Needle In A Haystack

From August to September, I have turned 21, rededicated my life to Christ, been humbled by Christ, began a relationship, been incredibly busy, grown closer to friends, been through some hard times, and realized my walk with Christ is stuck in  a rut. If I were to write you a post now, it would be filled with too much craziness and not enough CHRISTness. Just remember why December 25th is CHRISTmas anyway. :)

Much love & God Bless!
Jessica

Hi, My Name Is Jessica

Hi, My name is Jessica. I am a sinner.

I don't know the date. I don't know when or how it happened. I don't know where I learned everything I know about Him. I don't know why my mom didn't take me to church. I don't know why everything is changing. I can't tell you how He has helped me. I can't tell you how something relates to my story. I can't say "this is a time when He taught me this" or "I remember how He brought me through this". I don't have any scripture to inspire you. I can only recite two by heart. I did not go in front of a congregation to be saved and I have only been a true follower since November. Although I was baptized in April of 2006, I am just now learning all about Christ.

My parents did not attend church hardly at all during my life. My mom's sister and my grandmother would take me, though, when we visited them in my hometown. I grew up with my mom and stepdad and halfsister, and from the time I was 12 years old all I wanted was to go "home". Home for me is Ellaville, GA and the church I love is Ebenezer Baptist. I can remember Bro. Jerry and Bro. Robert best (and of course my many family members that used to attend). All I knew was that this was the place I was meant to be. Situations and circumstance lead me to have psychological problems. (I thank God for them for I would not be the person I am today without them.) I've only ever had one "boyfriend" and he was a dear friend, but I realize today that that's all he will ever be to me. That's all he was meant to be. I don't drink and I haven't been kissed. I turn 21 next month and I would just be happy spending the day with my sisters. But my dear Ebenezer held revival this week, and my heart was meant to be changed.

On the last night, August 11, 2010, I went to the alter for the first time in my life. A few months ago, I was in a "rut" for about 4 days. I would cry without warning and I just let everything get to me. A special sister prayed with me and for me and I was out of my "rut" shortly. However, about a month ago, I noticed I would get emotional during invitaion. I would feel my heart strings pull and the tears coming, but coming from my family, I put on my happy face quickly and didn't let the tears fall. I had to work the first night of revival and the second I was in the nursry. Sunday morning, the first day, I noticed the pull was stronger. The tears were harder to keep back. Monday night, I happened to be calming an upset baby right at the time for invitation to come over the speakers. Tuesday night felt much like Sunday morning. But last night, Wednesday, the tears became so much I had to walk outside. Little did I know that God had put an angel outside to wait for me. I couldn't hold the tears back any longer and eventually that angel walked to the alter with me. She may never know how greatly she touched me, but I am so blessed just by her and her prayer. I would not have been able to put together the words God gave her, but I realized I have to fully submit to Christ for him to work in my life. Afterwords, my other sisters came to check on me and remind me how truly blessed I am to have them.

God has amazing things planned for me, although I have no clue what they will be. He also has things planned for you. If you aren't saved, I encourage you to go to church just one Sunday, or even just attened a Sunday School class. Just one. Take a no thank you "bite" of Christ. He will help you through anything He brings you too.

Thank You Father for the person reading this post. I pray that you will work in their life and encourage them. God, I thank you for the blessings you have brought me and the "ruts" you put me in, so that I may grow closer with you. God I pray that your will will continue to be done. In your wonderful name, Amen.

Love From My Father

There is a song that came out on country radio when I was 14 by Jimmy Wayne. The song told the story of a boy that just wanted to tell his father how much he loved him when the father didn't show the son the same love. I understood this song, what I thought then to be, completely. I wanted to show my father that I loved him and I wanted love in return. Last year, a friend said that she was reading The Shack and loved it and that I should read it. In this story, the wife of the main character calls her Father, "Papa". I received a daily devotional by email the other day and the title was "Can I call you 'Daddy'?" Since I'd heard the Jimmy Wayne song (posted at the bottom of the blog for you to hear), I realized that I did have another Father that I could look up to for love and comfort. Reading the book reassured me. Seeing the devotional was like learning this lesson again.

1 John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavashed upon us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

In churches today, we (should) strive for a relationship with our Father and not just repeating meaningless duties. God is love and our Father loves us, however, we cannot let our worldly ideas cloud our knowledge of this. We must spend time with Christ each day to have an awesome relationship like a father and child do here on Earth!

Recently, two amazing people from my church were married and like every girl, I have thought about my own someday. Over the past few months my idea of what my husband should be like has changed and that is an awesome thing. I still am not sure when or who God will place in my life but I know he has been made just for me and I am perfectly ok with waiting. The only thing I know is God will be there with me the entire time and my mama will (probably) walk me down the aisle.

Prayer List: God Bless America! Troops at home and overseas, Families traveling for summer vacation, Shelbee, John & Jordan Sorrell, Tom Grubel, Cheslie & Stephen Fripp, Chelsea & Ed, Carrie & Mike, Cassie & Kathy, Priscilla & Charlie Brown, My family and church family and for Revival!

Much Love & God Bless,
Jessica

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoLFISIdH8g Go here to watch video!

Let’s Talk About Love

Love. A four-letter word that can mean so much or so little at any given time. Love comes in all shapes and forms and is as tangible as it is intangible. Where does love come from though? And who allows us to love at all? When God created us, He gave us the ability to love and He allows us to love freely.

Feeling A Need

All of my life I have been the type of person where, either, I love with my whole heart or a tiny fraction of it. There is not a person I truly dislike, or only love when I feel like it. However, lately, I’ve been feeling like someone is missing from my life. Don’t get me wrong, there have been a lot of people “missing”, but this one is in an entirely different way. Picture this, you’re lying in your bed at night, it’s around one a.m. and you can’t get to sleep. You figure, if I have someone to talk to, maybe about what you’d name your future children or your dreams, you would be able to sleep soundly and dream about those dreams. So, you close your eyes and dream up this person, but when you open your eyes, or feel on the other pillow, you realize you’re still all alone. I believe that God has someone out there for me, but what happens (if in God’s will I’m supposed to be married) after the vows are said and everyone goes home?

I believe that, in a marriage there should be two people, a man and a woman. They should both be Christians, so that they will always have a common ground. Those two people should imitate Christ and the church through their marriage by forming a strong covenant with each other and with Christ. When they should marry, they are to become one flesh as if they act as one of their children, together. As in, they are to be presented as one person of the same flesh and blood. Why do I believe this? In Genesis 2, we are told that God created Eve by using one of Adam’s ribs. In Malachi 2, we are shown that God does not agree with D-I-V-O-R-C-E. In Matthew 19, we are told that a marriage is a LIFELONG COMMITMENT/COVENANT. When two people marry, they are to support, be honest to, respect, care for, and live with each other for the rest of their days.

Another Kind Of Love

Now, Christ did not create us all to have marriage partners. For those without a husband or wife, Christ has given us other ways to receive the fellowship that we so desperately need. First, Christ gave us Himself. You can ALWAYS speak to Christ! Anytime of day or night, you can talk to Him. Secondly, He gave us His word to seek him through and find help through the good and bad. Lastly, He gave us the Church. Christ gave us the church so that we can have fellowship with other Christians. So that we may find that need to talk to someone fulfilled. I have been blessed with an amazing friend, an amazing Sunday School class, and an amazing church! I really do hate missing church, especially Sunday school. Lol. Who would have ever thought that I, the lazy, love to sleep in young woman, would love to get up early to go to church!?! God did and he has blessed me the past 6 months!

This weeks prayer list is short, but just as important. Keyton Reid, Kelsey Bishop, Rick Bishop, Shelbee, John, and Jordan Sorrell, Brother Bryan, Cheslie and Steven (soon-to-be both) Fripp, Mackenzie, Justin, Jennifer & Family, Tonya & Family, and the good people of the awesome city of Nashville, TN who were hit with floods last week, and last but certainly NOT ever least, all of the AMAZING mother’s and grandmother’s of this world!

Much Love & God Bless,

Jessica

Blessed By God's Grace

Happy Sunday Everyone! I am truly sorry for my extended absence; I really was planning to write sooner! God has shown me so much over this past month about myself and the one's around me that it's somewhat overwhelming. I'll dive in for now and share with you what's been blessing me.

As you probably know by now, I'm a HUGE Carrie Underwood fan! God had plans for me to hear her first, well I guess second, single in the summer of 2005 and He had plans to change my life. I was reading a verse earlier today, Genesis 12:2 and I thought of Carrie. It states I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. Although this message was for Abraham, I believe it was for Carrie too. I cannot tell you what a blessing her music and her relationship with God have been for me. Have you ever said "I want a relationship with God like your relationship with God?" This was what it was like for me. I wanted to be a better Christian, person, and child of God just like her and my friend Shelbee are. I posted this verse on Carrie's Fan Club and said "This is Carrie Nation," because it is, "and you have been blessed by God and we have been blessed by you." Carrie also let us fan club members in on what book she was reading one time and it was The Shack by Paul Young. If you have not read this book, you really should! This book is a blessing in itself and will give you a million other reasons to love God.

While waiting on my grandma after church, I was going around talking to everyone before they left, and as I was talking to Mrs. Tonya I thought "I am so glad it was her!" I'll tell you I thought this about Mrs. Jennifer, Mrs. Shelbee, and Miss Carrie as well. I am SO glad I have some AMAZING women who can guide me into becoming the person Christ wants and needs me to be! I love them all so very much and I am very proud of each of them.

This post I want to introduce something new... a prayer list. If you would, will you say a prayer for these people in my life. Ricky-had a stroke Friday, Mackenzie Jackson-She is getting better and out of the hospital, Mallory Hernandez-She is walking again! I got to see her walk!, Shelbee, John and Jordan-Pray that God shows him where he needs them for His will to be completed, Frankie-Pray that he turns his life around, Maelyn and Keyton-Pray that Keyton will be born healthy and SOON!!, Jennifer and Isaac & Becca and Lane-Thank God for these blessings, Tonya-Pray that she will continue to grow with Christ and be a blessing to us all! As Brother Bryan says...Be in constant prayer for the people around you.

Much Love & God Bless,
Jessica

I love Sundays!!

Whew! I am always so excited to get up on Sundays, which believe me, is NOT something I usually do (notice I write this blog later at night). Anyway, I love Sundays because I get to see my Church Family and I get to learn about Christ and his word. :) This week there was a lot I wanted to talk about because Christ is showing me so much! So, I'll get on with the story...

In my first post, I talked about how I miss my granddaddy and my cousin very much, and at times it was to the point of depression, but I've realized that I can miss them. I can miss them every day, every hour, every minute, even, every second, and that's okay because I am going to see them again someday!! Being a person with depression, I was always looking at how they are not here RIGHT NOW!, instead of looking at it as I get to spend more than 20,000 years praising God with them! In my study bible, there are "Dear Jordan" letters and one of them had to do with a young girl (most likely a teen) losing a close member of her family. Victoria writes, "My friends father died last week. I gave her a big hug and said how depressed she must be. She told me she was very sad and grieving but not depressed. She said she felt joyful her father was with Jesus and no longer suffering. I'm confused. How can someone be sad and grieving but not depressed?" Jordan replied "Dear Victoria, Grief and sadness are feelings people have when they have lost someone or something close to their heart. Depression is sadness that doesn't go away for a long time... It's normal to feel sad when someone we love has died. We will always remember that person and sometimes we may cry when we think of him or her... John 16:20-22 tells us: 'You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy...and no one will take away your joy.' The joy of the Lord is a feeling of deep well-being that comes from God...no one else can take it away." After reading this and seeing Brother Bryan (my pastor) so joyful after his father passed, I realized that I should be anticipating the day I will see them (again)!! (Toby Keith's song "Crying For Me" also goes along with this)

On to the next topic... My friend Sara Jean Culler has a song called "Brave" on her EP release. You can listen to a clip at www.sarajeanculler.com or I have a copy of the album. I love this song, but I thought it was just about being brave in general. My other friend Chelsea from high school posted some of the lyrics on her facebook page the other day and since I knew she hadn't heard of Sara, I asked her who sang it. It's a song by Nichole Nordeman and it's talking about God and how when he needs us to go out of our comfort zones a little bit we can be brave/bold about it. And the singer is willing to trade it all for Him! While I'm on the topic of music, the Youth Choir sang "Temporary Home" at church tonight!! I was kinda upset that I didn't get to go up there with them, but how could I be upset. They did an awesome job! When you sing, sing proud! God is listening to the songs the angels can't sing. :)

Today in Sunday School, Mrs. Jennifer was teaching us about how pride, pedistools, and spriitual immaturity can divide a church. Well, as luck would have it God showed me how someone's pride can get in the way not 15 minutes later! I won't get into it, but when you are at church, you are SUPPOSED TO BE AND NEED TO BE there for God, and if you aren't then you need to get your stuff straight!! We should grow with Christ more and more each week and even each day as we seek Him and read His word. Now, my problem is putting people up on pedistools and worring SO much about what people think, and I am going to work on that and get back to you. I trust that since He is showing me my problems lately, that He will work in me to help me grow as long as I trust and seek Him.

Please continue to pray for Mackenzie LeClair Jackson and Mallory Hernandez. Mackenzie's transplant is THIS Thursday. Mallory fell off of a horse and needs your prayers.

Much Love & God Bless,
Jessica

Musically Involved

Hi Everyone!
When I started this blog, I had no idea of why I was really starting it. I knew that I wanted to share my story with others, but which story do I tell? The first post was about something I've lived with most of my life (my graddaddy not being there and why) and I wanted to share that story SO bad. I kept thinking that maybe knowing how one accident changes lives decades into the future will help someone not make the same choice. But then, I started talking about myself and how I was making my choices. I don't want others to make some of the same choices that I did. So, in a way, I wanted to influence how people proceeded with thier choices. I wanted to help change the world. I could list song after song after song, most of them probably by Carrie Underwood or a country artist, and tell you how every one has affected or matched up with my life, but it probably wouldn't be the same stories you share. If you don't know why you are doing a specific thing, such as going to school is going to help me get a better job, then it's probably a good idea to stop and ask yourself. Fortunately for me, I didn't figure it out soon enough. I believe that I am supposed to, like a lot of other great women before me, share my walk with Christ, and since my walk is relatively new, I can help others learn about why God is so important.

As I've been reading the book of John, I'm noticing that when Jesus is performing miracles the townspeople either do not believe it is happening, want to reprimand him for it or want to see more so that they think they can believe in him. I'm also seeing that Jesus doesn't care what your skin color, hair color, eye color or where you grew up was, but he gives his love to EVERYONE! What trends do you see or remember in the book of John?

Now I will leave you with a list of songs to look up if you like. Take the list however you want, but "don't think, don't judge, just listen."

Carrie Underwood (you knew it was coming!)- Temporary Home, Jesus Take The Wheel, Change, So Small
Jimmy Wayne- I Love You This Much
Sara Jean Culler (find her @ www.sarajeanculler.com)- Pictures
Brad Paisley-When I Get Where I'm Going

Much Love & God Bless,
Jessica

John, Chapter 1-5

After I received a comment on my blog from yesterday, I got inspired just to do what I always felt the need to do, which was just to dive into God's word. (Remember, yesterday I said I had a lazy problem?) For the last several months, I've just wanted to read the Bible like I would read any other book, however, the Bible isn't just any other book. One of my many (4) Bibles has a "What Do I Read Today?" section in the back. This particular Bible is a Teen Study Bible, so it sort of helps you navigate through the Bible with interactives. A few months ago, my friend Shelbee and I had started reading the book of John. We didn't get very far, but last night I just thought I would pick up there and start reading and read the first five chapters.

In Chapter 1, John gives us his testimony about Jesus and tells us how the first disciples come to be. Chapter 2 reveals the events when Jesus turned water into wine and when he cleared the temple courts of Jerusalem. This is also the first time Jesus predicts his own death and rising. In Chapter 3 we see Jesus teaching Nicodemus and John revealing more of his testimony. Since, in Chapter 4, Jesus talks with a Samaritan woman, more people come to believe in him. He also heals the Official's son and rejoins his disciples. In Chapter 5, a paralized man walks again, Jesus explains that he can work on the Sabbath, and there are more testimonies about Jesus!

In some of these stories, such as the Water turning to Wine and the Paralized man walking, we aren't meant to question whether Jesus could perform them, but rejoice that he did! He did not have to give his life for us, but he did! God loves us and we can see that through his actions.
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Mrs. Jennifer left me a comment yesterday and I was eager to read the verses she left. She is completely right! In my Study Bible, there is actually a *note* about Psalm 139-13-18! It reads "Ever get really down and feel like no one understands you? Whenever you do, it's a good time to read Psalm 139:13-16. These verses remind you that God understands you better than you understand yourself. Best of all, God loves you and watches over you. God is all around you. He has laid his hand on you, You are his, and he is yours." In Romans 8:38-39, we are reminded that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God! It's really nice to know that God understands me and loves me for me.

Much Love & God Bless,
Jessica

Learning, Always Learning

It is in our nature, as human beings, to be curious about almost everything. The way something works, why it works that way, or your normal everyday gossip about every one's lives. And there are plenty more things to be curious about, but today I was curious about myself. I was asked a question regarding my social networking sites and my head just started spinning. Why was I so ready to tell everyone about my life and the lives of my family members and friends rather than listening in Sunday School and "upgrading", not only my relationship with God, but with my family and friends as well?

A friend of mine once told me that she did not believe that I really believed in God. Of course, at the time, she was right. That time, like today, unlike so many other situations, has me wanting to change so badly. I am curious of how I work, think, and feel. Everyone has always told me I live in the past, and it's true, but I think I am finally ready to let it all go, but how do you do that? I love a father, who love me, but doesn't love me more than another. I love a mother, but sometimes I wonder if she really understands me. I love a stepfather, but I don't feel like I was her. I love a sister, but I can never live up to what she has accomplished. Whenever I start a new endeavor, I always want a clean slate, but that isn't how life is. If it was not for our pasts, we would not be where we are today. So, how do you make things right? I always feel as if I have to start in the past. I have to fix those things first in order to move on. So, in order to have a relationship with God, I have to "fix" my bad habits of laziness. In order to move into a new relationship, I have to "fix" the ones I already have. But do I really? I know that bad habits DO have to be fixed and "upgraded", but maybe my relationships can grow if I grow.

Someone also asked me why was I always so sad. To that person, whomever they may be, I want to say that I don't know how to be truly happy. I can be happy when I'm with certain people or listening to certain songs, reading certain books, or when I talk with certain people over the phone or Internet. Like I said before, I have been through a lot. Maybe more than some of you will ever have to go through, but I don't know how to be happy with everything that God has blessed me with. And with all of the sad things, I do not know how to let God handle everything for me. Some things I am ready and willing to let Him take care of, but I don't like my peanut butter messed up with my chocolate. (Yes, that is a reference to Emily from Make It Or Break It if anyone watches that show.) I didn't have anyone there for so long, so how do I let Him just take it all over.

In Sunday School, I believe it was last week, Mrs. Tonya was talking about having, I guess you could call it, hidden sins. Sins that only you and God know about. I have lied and stolen and since I don't like eating in front of people, I do more than my share when I'm alone. Although, since I have moved I've dropped down 2 jean sizes, I still continue to do something I know I shouldn't. I am lazy but I have attainable dreams. I have a lot to say, but can't and probably won't ever say it. I want to realize that people love me and that I love them even when I say, to myself, that I don't.

Now, I think everything is out in the open and I'm curious as to how it all will come out and how I can move on and "upgrade". I do hope, however, that someone can learn something from this. Whether it's me or someone else.

Much Love & God Bless,
Jessica

Comes Around Every Year

Thirty-nine years ago this coming July, my grandfather died in a car accident in Mount Olive, NC. He was the drunk driver. One year ago this February, my cousin died in a car accident in Mount Olive, NC. He was also the drunk driver. Both of these accidents effected my life greatly, each in their own way. With my grandaddy gone, I don't have many men in my life, and seeing as Eric was only two years older than myself, the accident opened my eyes. And, although both of them were drinking, I don't blame anyone for them passing. I was sitting in the living room with my grandmother just last week thinking, " I wish grandaddy was here." Then I thought about my aunt, cousins and even my cousins daughter. They wouldn't be here if my grandaddy was still alive. I might not even be here, as my grandparents would more than likely stayed in North Carolina. Now, with Eric's passing, I find time to talk to my family members in NC, whether it be by phone, letter or facebook. Although, I will admit I don't as much as I should. This just goes to show... EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!! We may not understand it now, but God has a plan for us and whether we like it or not, these things are going to happen.

Since the anniversary of Eric's passing is approaching, I have been thinking about how much my life has changed in the past year. Last year, I was very unstable. I would be happy one moment and sad the next few hours. I remember Valentine's day 2009 relativly well. The days before were hard, seeing as I was very depressed (I was diagnosed last January). I was working Valentine's Day. I was ontime and didn't have a lot of calls. Around 10 am I received a call about a man and his wife wanting a room for just one night. We joked around and talked a good bit and he told me if I gave him a good rate, that he would bring me a valentine. I gave him the rate, and he booked the room, but I didn't expect anything when he arrived. About two hours before I was set to leave, I got a call from the front desk saying I had a guest bring me a valentine. I told them I would be down to get it when I got off. However, when my coworker heard I had gotten a valentine waiting a the front desk, she was thrilled for me and told me to go down to get it. I got a pink rose from someone I've NEVER met!! The first time I EVER get a rose/flowers and it's from someone I don't know and will probably never meet. That man and his wife made my entire day and I never got to thank them. I went home that night and my sister and parents were going out, and I was content with staying home seeing as I had to be at work again the next morning. However, the next morning I got up late. My mom came in to wake me up and she was talking to my aunt. My mom talking to her at seven am? This was NOT good!! When my mom got off the phone, she told me Eric died in a car accident at 1:45 that am. I stopped rushing around trying to get ready so I wouldn't be late and I cried. As I thought about it throughout the day, I cried somemore. When my coworker from the day before came in I told her what happened. She even said "You can't catch a break can you?" I don't remember much from the rest of that day, except that Monday we decided we HAD to be in NC. The rest of that week was hard to get through because Eric, his sister, Heather, and their parents were very close, it was hard to watch them break down. (I love you all so much!) This year though, I am living in another state and I get to go to church and have an amazing relationship with God that I certainly did not have last year. I miss my family, friends, and even my job, but things seem to be better. I have better relationships with family and everything is looking up, all because I finally have God as a regular part of my life.

I want to challenge everyone to have a relationship with God. If you already have one, what is he telling you? He wants me to change the world through my experiences. If you haven't heard it yet, listen to Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood. "This is our temporary home" it isn't where we belong.

I want to send out a quick thank you to Mrs. Tonya and Mrs. Jennifer. Each week I'm in your class, you say something that applies to my life and I thank God that He's brought you into my life.

Much Love and God Bless,
Jessica