Learning, Always Learning

It is in our nature, as human beings, to be curious about almost everything. The way something works, why it works that way, or your normal everyday gossip about every one's lives. And there are plenty more things to be curious about, but today I was curious about myself. I was asked a question regarding my social networking sites and my head just started spinning. Why was I so ready to tell everyone about my life and the lives of my family members and friends rather than listening in Sunday School and "upgrading", not only my relationship with God, but with my family and friends as well?

A friend of mine once told me that she did not believe that I really believed in God. Of course, at the time, she was right. That time, like today, unlike so many other situations, has me wanting to change so badly. I am curious of how I work, think, and feel. Everyone has always told me I live in the past, and it's true, but I think I am finally ready to let it all go, but how do you do that? I love a father, who love me, but doesn't love me more than another. I love a mother, but sometimes I wonder if she really understands me. I love a stepfather, but I don't feel like I was her. I love a sister, but I can never live up to what she has accomplished. Whenever I start a new endeavor, I always want a clean slate, but that isn't how life is. If it was not for our pasts, we would not be where we are today. So, how do you make things right? I always feel as if I have to start in the past. I have to fix those things first in order to move on. So, in order to have a relationship with God, I have to "fix" my bad habits of laziness. In order to move into a new relationship, I have to "fix" the ones I already have. But do I really? I know that bad habits DO have to be fixed and "upgraded", but maybe my relationships can grow if I grow.

Someone also asked me why was I always so sad. To that person, whomever they may be, I want to say that I don't know how to be truly happy. I can be happy when I'm with certain people or listening to certain songs, reading certain books, or when I talk with certain people over the phone or Internet. Like I said before, I have been through a lot. Maybe more than some of you will ever have to go through, but I don't know how to be happy with everything that God has blessed me with. And with all of the sad things, I do not know how to let God handle everything for me. Some things I am ready and willing to let Him take care of, but I don't like my peanut butter messed up with my chocolate. (Yes, that is a reference to Emily from Make It Or Break It if anyone watches that show.) I didn't have anyone there for so long, so how do I let Him just take it all over.

In Sunday School, I believe it was last week, Mrs. Tonya was talking about having, I guess you could call it, hidden sins. Sins that only you and God know about. I have lied and stolen and since I don't like eating in front of people, I do more than my share when I'm alone. Although, since I have moved I've dropped down 2 jean sizes, I still continue to do something I know I shouldn't. I am lazy but I have attainable dreams. I have a lot to say, but can't and probably won't ever say it. I want to realize that people love me and that I love them even when I say, to myself, that I don't.

Now, I think everything is out in the open and I'm curious as to how it all will come out and how I can move on and "upgrade". I do hope, however, that someone can learn something from this. Whether it's me or someone else.

Much Love & God Bless,
Jessica